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heads&tales Archives B | July 2007 - September 2007

heads&tales

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By L. ‘ManongNoy’ Señeres     Wednesday, July 4, 2007


Big bad Bedol

COMELEC gets Pagalungan
ERs months after polls – ABS-CBN News

Is COMELEC still using carrier pigeons in this day and age?

*    *    *

Bossi alive and well, says AFP – Daily Tribune

Well . . . so where exactly is Fr. Bossi?

*    *    *

Three GOs, independent
abandon opposition – Daily Tribune

That can only mean that the presidential campaign period for 2010 has already started.

*    *    *

Pimentel urges rebidding of
ZTE broadband deal – Philippine Star

If we can believe the grapevine, COMELEC chair Abalos brokered this deal for ZTE, supposedly elbowing out JdV who’s usually the chief backer of major deals with China . . . such as the clearly overpriced North Rail project.

Will Pimentel curb this urge if Abalos turns about and gives Koko his nod for the 12th senatorial slot?

*    *    *

Suspect tagged in Burgos
case 'dead for 3 yrs' – ABS-CBN News

That’s probably OK with military prosecutors because they can always point out that people who have been dead for more than 10 years actually got to ‘vote’ last May.

*    *    *

Palace: No Cabinet man
has reason to resign – Malaya

That’s according to Exec. Sec. Eduardo Ermita . . . whose own reason to resign could hinge on his being offered an appointment to a key ambassadorship.

*    *    *

Lintang Bedol spends night in
Malate hotel with SWAT unit – GMA TV News

Funny but another personality who was similarly taken into custody . . . Cong. Satur Ocampo . . . was not shown VIP treatment after he was nabbed in March.

*    *    *

Abalos resists Koko
call to inhibit – The Manila Times

Since Abalos apparently thinks it does not matter if he’s ‘exhibited’ breaking bread with Migz Zubiri’s close kin at the Shangri-La, Koko may now have to wait until 2010 to become the other Sen. Pimentel.

*    *    *

‘Tired officials want out of
Cabinet posts’ – Manila Standard Today

Probably the ones that are about to be gently retired by Malacañang.

*    *    *

Finance exec gets 6-month suspension
for unexplained wealth – Philippine Daily Inquirer

Ruben Anthony Frogoso, an intel officer working at DOF, clearly manifested utter lack of intelligence for even thinking that he could get away with such unexplained wealth.

Records reportedly show that his total net worth as of Dec. 31, 1999 . . . or barely 15 months on the job, as declared on his SALN for 1999 . . . was P6.048-million, despite the fact that he was only earning P109,452 a year.

*    *    *

Harbour Centre partners with Metro
Pacific to bid for North Harbor – Malaya

Excellent move on the part of Harbour Centre . . . as almost anything that Metro Pacific touches turns to gold.

*    *    *

High court stops Sandigan’s Ong
from assuming SC post – Daily Tribune

No doubt purely on account only of his previous ties to Erap, not because of his alleged doubtful Filipino citizenship. The current Malacañang occupants certainly cannot afford to have someone in the high court that’s of uncertain loyalty after GMA either steps down or is swept aside . . . in or before 2010.

*    *    *

Palace backs DOJ move vs Trillanes
bid to attend session
GMA -TV News

The Palace is risking a major backlash by singing along with two possibly senile old men . . . DOJ’s Raul Gonzales and Malacañang’s own Sergio Apostol . . . who are often no longer in tune with the times.


 

Big bad Bedol

The first surprise was when COMELEC finally effected the arrest of Lintang Bedol, its man in Maguindanao who claims to have lost the original copies of Certificates of Canvas for a whole town and has been on the lam for the past few weeks

The second surprise came when COMELEC swiftly decided to release Bedol temporarily after the election ‘operator’ simply pleaded not guilty of all charges against him.

Is Benjamin Abalos, along the other commissioners, terrified that Bedol would spill the beans on all of them if he’s cornered?

Will the villain of Maguindanao . . . the man who has made a monumental mockery of the electoral process . . . be ultimately allowed to go completely scot-free in order to forestall a wider Senate probe that can go all the way back to the 2004 presidential election?
 

 

Doc’s new headache*

The doctor’s new patient came in with a long history of migraine headaches.

"Listen," said the doctor, "I also have migraines and the advice I'm going to give you isn't really anything I learned in medical school but it's advice that I've gathered from my own experience. Whenever I have a migraine, I go home and take a nice hot bath. Then I have my wife give me a massage, especially around the forehead. This usually helps a little. Then, even if my head is still killing me, I force myself to make love to her. Almost always, the headache is immediately gone. Now, give it a try, and come back and see me in six weeks."

Six weeks later, the patient returned with a big grin. "Doc, I took
your advice and it works! It REALLY WORKS! I've had migraines
for 17 years and this is the first time anyone has ever helped me!"

"Well," the doctor said, "I'm glad I could help."

"By the way, Doc," the patient added, "you have a really nice bathroom."


*A heads&tales AnecJoke.

Previous heads&tales are here
Other AnecJokes are here

Please direct comments or feedback to: newswealth@usa.com

Wednesday, July 11, 2007


‘Comelected’?

NBI: Show biz celebs invested
in FrancSwiss – Philippine Daily Inquirer

In their make-believe world, some celebs couldn’t see that the 4.5% per day interest promised by FrancSwiss was way too good to be true.

*    *    *

Pope revives old traditional Latin Mass – Manila Bulletin

It’s beyond any semblance of common sense why the pope sees the necessity of reviving something that sounded Greek to most of my generation.

*    *    *

Isafp says DOJ-cited names not on roster – Manila Times

Perhaps it’s more like ‘not anymore’ . . . as in a Swiss or German bank official saying, “Our records do not show an account under that name”.

*    *    *

DENR unveils project to turn garbage
into electricity at Manila dump – Philippine Star

Sec Angelo Reyes deserves special kudos for this methane-powered project in Payatas . . . not to mention his putting his foot down on some Koreans’ plan to set up a health spa on Taal volcano’s crater.

*    *    *

Gov Panlilio’s team collects P5M in
quarry taxes in 5 days – Philippine Daily Inquirer

Mark Lapid . . . the former Pampanga gov whose administration collected only P3.19M for all of January and February this year . . . has a lot of explaining to do.

*    *    *

Lim to GMA: ‘We’ll keep
you safe till 2010’ – Philippine Star

Interesting to note that Manila’s new mayor did not say, ‘We’ll keep you in Malacañang ‘til 2010”

*    *    *

CBCP: Change Comelec chief – Philippine Star

Nice try . . . but the monsignors forget that the terms of office of Abalos and his cohorts are set by the Constitution.

*    *    *

MJ son appeals for end
to public embarrassment –
Malaya

Mark Jimenez seems to have become a problem to his wife and children after his return from house arrest in the US . . . when he evidently morphed into some sort of religious fanatic.

*    *    *

Mar: Kiko is now with administration – Malaya

And Mar Roxas himself is now trying to eliminate all other potential ‘presidentiables’ for 2010.

*    *    *

First 13 party list winners proclaimed – Malaya

The more awaited COMELEC decision is which set of nominees . . . the one led by Christian Señeres or the other one led by Rene Velarde . . . can legally represent Buhay.

*    *    *

GMA presses JdV to make Mikey
energy committee chairman – Daily Tribune

This gives JdV a convenient excuse to change his mind after having supposedly commited this committee chairmanship to an ally who is more senior than Mikey.

But why on earth would Mikey . . . who has practically zero experience on energy matters . . . want this key assignment?

*    *    *

JdV supporters oppose secret
vote proposal in choosing speaker – Manila Times

Simply because there’s a distinct possibility that many of those who had said “Yes” to JdV have since been ‘motivated’ to vote otherwise by the formidable father-and-son Garcias?


 

‘Comelected’?

Where things stood as this piece was being written, the COMELEC had all but declared Migz Zubiri the winner of the 12th slot in last May’s mid-term elections.

This, of course, comes as no surprise. For enumerable reasons that could run into the millions, COMELEC chair Benjamin Abalos has steered his agency into incredible twists and turns with only one objective: To dislodge Koko Pimentel from 12th place and give the same last winning slot to a Team Unity candidate.

Since TU’s Ralph Recto and Prospero Pichay had the common decency to concede defeat early on, the only one who was ‘within striking distance’ was Zubiri . . . who ‘miraculously’ emerged as the topnotcher in Maguindanao in a controversial tally of ‘resurrected’ 2nd copies of municipal certificates of canvas (COC). Never mind that TU’s Chavit Singson was the first-placer in an earlier tally of province-wide Maguindanao COCs . . . which were clearly also ‘manufactured’ because it showed that all the Genuine Opposition senatorial bets got absolutely zero votes . . . after which provincial COMELEC boss Lintang Bedol inexplicably disappeared and reported having ‘lost’ the same.

That said, if only for his being a true-blue environmental advocate, I would rather see Zubiri in the Senate instead of Koko Pimentel . . . whose only claim to fame appears to be anchored on his being an offspring of a remarkable guy named Nene. But it would be a real shame when the inevitable happens: Zubiri’s colleagues referring to him as ‘The gentleman from Maguindanao’ behind his back.   


 

Profit sharing*

Three preachers who usually hold their major prayer rallies at the Luneta were discussing what portion of the weekly collection they kept for themselves.

The first preacher explained that he drew a large circle on the ground, stepped a few paces back and pitched the money towards the circle. What landed in the circle he kept and what landed outside the circle God kept.

The second preacher claimed that his method was almost the same, except that what landed outside the circle went to him and the money that landed inside the circle was intended for God.

The third preacher said, “I have a much better method than any of you. I don’t bother with circles. I just throw ALL the money into the air, and what Yahweh wants, Yahweh takes!”


*A heads&tales AnecJoke. Other AnecJokes are here

Wednesday, July 18, 2007


Among the best

Abductors has Fr. Bossi
hidden in remote cave – Manila Times

According to an anonymous text message received by Basilan police boss Saddik Macapantar, Fr. Bossi is being kept in Kulasian cave in the town of Payao, Zamboanga Sibugay but the cave would be difficult to find because its entrance is hidden by a waterfall.

Question for Macapantar: Just how many waterfalls are there in Payao?

*    *    *

BFAD finds Formalin in China candies – Philippine Star

If you have taken China-made White Rabbit Creamy Candy, Milk Candy, Balrong Grape Biscuits and Yong Kang Foods Grape Biscuits lately, the bad news is: You are now partially ‘preserved’!

*    *    *

PNP chief asks Lim to make
Mendiola a no-rally zone anew – Daily Tribune

Gen. Calderon’s request: Rallyists must not be allowed to cross the bridge when they get to it.

*    *    *

Shipbuilder Hanjin plans
to expand in Mindanao – Manila Times

This Korean company has already put its money where its mouth is . . . by investing over $1B to create a 349-hectare state-of-the-art facility at the Subic Bay Freeport where it has employed some 3000 locals. Hanjin is reportedly booked to deliver 33 medium-sized container vessels worth approximately $3 billion in the next two years and build 82 large ones from 2009 to 2011 from its Philippine operations so its keen interest in taking over the PHIVIDEC site in Misamis Oriental and upgrade it to another world-class shipbuilding venue is great news to Mindanaoans like myself.

*    *    *

JDV ally says Garcia lacks moral authority – Malaya

Not that JdV is any better in this aspect but among other negatives, Speaker-wannabe Pablo Garcia has at least one graft case that’s still pending.

*    *    *

Palace: SONA promises to be a
substantial report card – Philippine Star

Expected opposition response: You flunked!

*    *    *

Peso hits 7-year high: P45.25 to $1 – Manila Times

Bad news for OFWs whose families will get less pesos for the same amount of dollars, pounds, francs, dirhams, etc. that they send back home.

Good news for importers . . . especially those that are bringing in goods for the Christmas season.

*    *    *

Pasig ferry company loses millions a year – Manila Times

Although it appears to have done quite a few things to improve passenger counts, including the usual senior citizens’ and student discounts, what the company seems to have overlooked is a ‘frequent rider’ program that would allow regular commuters to pre-pay for booklets of tickets at very attractive savings per trip. Or a prepaid Ferry Pass . . . similar to a debit card . . . that would serve the same purpose.

*    *    *

Lim to ban computer games at class hours – Malaya

Small things can make a big difference . . . and Mayor Lim has proven this time and time again.

 

 

Among the best

His journey to victory was definitely a cliffhanger and when he was finally proclaimed governor-elect of Pampanga, Fr. Ed Panlilio had officially won by a margin of a mere 1,147 votes over Lilia Pineda, the challenger who was expected to send then Gov. Mark Lapid into early political retirement.

But Kapampangans were absolutely right in picking the Catholic priest-on-leave over the wife of an alleged jueteng lord and a two-bit actor who’s the son of a linguistically-challenged action star who had earlier managed to get himself elected to the Senate. In just his first five days on the job, ‘Among Ed’ . . . as the new gov is fondly called by his constituents . . . has racked up almost 5M pesos in taxes and fees from the truckloads of sand that contractors haul from local quarries. Compare this amount to the 29.1M pesos that former governor Mark Lapid collected for all of 2006!

Another highly-anticipated step for the gov would have to be his biggest challenge: To put an end to jueteng throughout his jurisdiction.

I’m betting that Among Ed can and will do it.

 

 

High-priced court*

A couple of days after the Supreme Court rendered a 7-7 decision on Koko Pimentel’s petition for a temporary restraining order for the COMELEC to stop the proclamation of Migz Zubiri as the 12th winning senatorial candidate, a lawyer was trying to get an acquittal for his client in a celebrated case that was being heard before the high court sitting en banc. But after two hours of oral arguments, it became simply apparent to him that quite a few of the justices were inclined to favor the other side.

In exasperation, the attorney . . . who’s known for both his hot temper and sense of humor . . . suddenly exploded and began to shout, “Half of this Court is made up of dishonest and corrupt justices!"

All of the high court justices demanded that the angry lawyer withdraw his statement . . . or face the prospect of disbarment.

After a long pause, the angry attorney acquiesced. "OK," he said, "I withdraw what I said. Half of this Supreme Court is NOT made up of dishonest and corrupt justices!"


*A heads&tales AnecJoke. Other AnecJokes are here

Wednesday, July 25, 2007


The handwriting on the floor

Garcia: House fight not yet over – Philippine Star

Here’s news for Nong Pabling: You’ve been clobbered. Game over.

*    *    *

Global survey: 24 of 30 Manilans returned
‘lost’ cell phones – Philippine Daily Inquirer

thnx 4 mkg mla amg d mos anest cts n d wrld.

*    *    *

Stock market greets GMA’s
SONA with big yawn – Philippine Star

But other sectors virtually reacted with guffaws . . . especially when she said that she sees the Philippines reaching First World status in 20 years.

*    *    *

Palace worried over Alan at Blue Ribbon – Malaya

Possibly a great deal more worried . . . especially the FG in residence . . . had Sen. Ping been tapped to chair it.

*    *    *

Fr. Bossi freed by captors – Manila Bulletin

Gee, since Fr. Bossi was not actually rescued, who else could have freed him other than his captors?

*    *    *

Gov’t flip-flops on all-out
war against MILF – Daily Tribune

It’s starting to look like an ‘all-out-of-options’ war.

*    *    *

Ping growls at Senate ‘mongrels’ – Manila Times

Perfectly understandable because everyone sees Manny Villar getting the upper hand in the not-too-distant 2010 presidential contest with Jinggoy, Chiz and Allan backing the former Divisoria market vendor for Senate President . . . for now.

*    *    *

Villar breezes through in Senate – Manila Times

Actually a foregone conclusion despite the best efforts of Sen. Ping Lacson to neutralize a potential co-contender for president in 2010.

*    *    *

Bank security system a must,
says police – Philippine Daily Inquirer

It’s hard to believe that there are still some bank branches that do not have video surveillance systems.

*    *    *

Produce Jonas on Friday, SC
orders military – Philippine Daily Inquirer

The potentially unfortunate question: Dead or alive?

*    *    *

Esperon: Pursuing Basilan attackers
no walk in the park – Philippine Daily Inquirer

Not if Esperon’s forces have better intel this time.

*    *    *

CPP not confirming or denying
if Jonas is NPA – Philippine Daily Inquirer

Sounds rather Pentagonese . . . which more or less confirms that Jonas is/was an NPA member. But that would still entitle him to his day in court if he’s still alive.

 

 

The handwriting on the floor

In the past few weeks, it looked like Cong. Pablo Garcia (Kampi) of Cebu was a serious challenger to Lakas’ Jose de Venecia’s bid to become House Speaker for an unprecedented 5th time.

With Kampi president Luis Villafuerte doing most of the talking and clearly orchestrating everything for Garcia, there were moments when one got the impression that Malacañang was leaning towards the Kampi bet. But the day of reckoning came last Monday . . . SONA day . . . with Villafuerte, Garcia and company unexpectedly retreating without even nominating the hapless Cebuano.

As it turned out, Garcia did not have the oft-claimed numbers that would have prevailed over de Venecia’s and all it took for Villafuerte’s pipe dream to swiftly evaporate was an overabundance of histrionics on the part of one his henchmen . . . Cong. Didagen Dilangalen of Shariff Kabunsuan . . . who had thought that he was helping their cause by questioning House Secretary-General Roberto Nazareno’s authority to preside over the opening session.

Villafuerte and Garcia could not have missed the handwriting on the wall when De Venecia’s allies subsequently voted down Dilangalen’s motion . . . after intense floor debates . . . to replace Nazareno as temporary presiding officer. Some 160 House members stood up to be counted for de Venecia camp; only 46 did the same for Garcia’s.

 

 

Not seeing eye to eye*

In the middle of her science class, Mrs. Sarmiento asked, "Who can tell me which organ of the human body expands to 10 times its usual size when stimulated?"

Nobody raised a hand, so she called on the first student to look her way. "Gretchen, can you tell me which organ of the human body expands to 10 times its usual size when stimulated?"

Gretchen stood up, blushing furiously. "How dare you ask such a question?" she said. "I'm going to complain to my parents, who will complain to the principal, who will have you fired!"

Mrs. Sarmiento was taken aback by Gretchen's reaction but she asked the class the same question and this time Miguel raised his hand.

“Do you know the answer, Miguel?" asked Mrs. Sarmiento.

"Ma'am, the correct answer is the iris of the human eye."

"Very good, Miguel. Thank you."

Mrs. Sarmiento then turned to Gretchen and said, "Gretchen, I have 3 things to tell you: First, it's clear that you have not done your homework. Second, you have a dirty mind. And third, I’m afraid that one day you are going to be sadly disappointed."


*A heads&tales AnecJoke. Other AnecJokes are here

Wednesday, August 1, 2007


‘Genghis’ Villar can

Roxas includes Viagra in
cheaper medicine bill – Manila Times

It’s hard to disagree with Sen. Mar on this.

*    *    *

GMA majority bar Villar, GO
members from ‘secret’ caucus – Daily Tribune

The open secret: The ‘majority’ is poised to move heaven and earth to prevent Sen. Alan from being named Blue Ribbon Committee chair . . . for obvious reasons.

*    *    *

Miriam is RP nominee to Int’l
Court of Justice – Manila Bulletin

The senadora comes with impeccable credentials that makes her eminently qualified for the job but there will still be those who would say that the Senate’s loss will be the ICJ’s . . . well . . . misfortune.

*    *    *

Witness to Burgos’ abduction missing – Daily Tribune

The poor fellow must have realized that it would not be in the interest of his continued good health if he were to testify against the alleged military abductors.

*    *    *

Trillanes will remain in prison cell,
court rules – Manila Standard Today

Why equate the Sen. Trillanes’ case with that of Romeo Jalosjos when the convicted rapist was already doing time for his crime by the time he was re-elected to Congress?

In contrast, Trillanes just stands accused and prosecution is still ongoing.

*    *    *

Lim junks Atienza’s ‘midnight appointments’ – Malaya

As a result, 152 jobs that were handed out by Atienza during his last couple of weeks as Manila mayor will not see the light of day after this week.

*    *    *

State lawyers to meet Marcos
son on Lucio – Manila Standard Today

When the smoke clears, Bongbong may finally get to prove that his old man was in fact the majority owner of most of Lucio Tan’s pre-PAL companies.

*    *    *

Salonga among 2007 Magsaysay awardees – Manila Times

A signal honor for one of the public servants . . . past and present . . . who deserve(d) to be addressed, “Your honor”

 

 

‘Genghis’ Villar can

The next presidential election is still 3 years away but it looks like positioning among the likely contenders is already in progress.

As expected, the first battleground was the presidency of the Senate and Manny Villar’s victory . . . despite the best efforts of Ping Lacson to derail it “in order to level the playing field” . . . shows that the real estate magnate who came from humble beginnings may have drawn on at least one of the strategies that enabled an ambitious young Mongol guy named Temujin to eventually become Genghis Khan, the ruler of the largest contiguous empire in world history.

Before becoming a Khan, though, Timujin the small-time warlord must have been convinced early on that ‘politics is addition’ because he took an early mentor’s advice for him to unite many of the nomadic tribes in East Asia and Central Asia under a new identity as the Mongols. It’s interesting to note that at least one of those tribal leaders that he recruited was someone that Timujin actually abhorred; the guy had killed his father. But Timujin had set his sights on bigger things and was focused on addition.

Under Genghis Khan’s leadership, the Mongols eventually conquered . . . voluntarily or otherwise . . . large parts of what is now China, Mongolia, Russia, Azerbaijan, Armenia, Georgia, Iraq, Iran, Turkey, Kazakhstan, Kyrgyzstan, Uzbekistan, Pakistan, Tajikistan, Afghanistan, Turkmenistan, Moldova, North Korea, South Korea, and Kuwait. It’s no surprise therefore that some 800 years after his death National Geographic selected Genghis Khan as one of ‘50 Most Important Political Leaders of All Time’.

There’s some grapevine chatter that Villar had originally expected to be nominated by his GO colleagues . . . the so-called ‘real’ opposition in the Senate . . . until he got wind of the trio of presidential wannabes Ping, Loren and Mar opting to substitute a reluctant Nene Pimentel. Can anybody blame Villar for doing a Genghis Khan with the other side . . . some of whom are hardly his best buddies . . . under the circumstances?

 

 

Loot in translation*

A notorious bandit would leave his hideout in Basilan from time to time to rob banks in Manila. After loosing millions to the bad guy, the banks finally offered a reward for his capture, dead or alive . . . but offered a much larger amount for the recovery of the stolen funds. An enterprising Batangueño detective decided to track him down.

After a long and difficult search, the Batangueño traced the bandit to his home town. On a hunch, he went inside one of the town's bars and sure enough, there was the robber. Since it was early in the afternoon the only other person in the bar was the bartender. The time was right to make a move.

The Batangueño drew his revolver and announced in Tagalog, "You are under arrest. I get a reward for you, dead or alive. Tell me where you are hiding the millions that you stole from the banks and I'll let you live. If you don't, I'll shoot you right here, and save myself the trouble of having to take you back to Manila alive."

But the bank robber didn't speak much Tagalog, and the Batangueño didn't speak the local Muslim dialect so the bartender quickly offered to translate for the two of them. The Batangueño said, "Tell him that if he doesn't tell me where the loot is, I'll shoot him here and now."

Upon hearing the translation of what the Batangueño said, the bandit realized that if he did not give up his loot, he was a dead man. Terrified, the bandit blurted out in Maranao that he buried the loot under the mango tree in the backyard his new house at the outskirts of town.

"What did he say?" asked the Batangueño.

The bartender answered, "He said 'You are ugly and you don’t have the guts to shoot me!.'"


*A heads&tales AnecJoke. Other AnecJokes are here

 Wednesday, August 8, 2007


Closure . . . with some sort of enclosure

Alan gets Blue Ribbon – Malaya

And Pidal gets very little sleep from now on

*    *     *

Mendoza: I have full authority on
$329M broadband contract – Malaya

Contract? What contract? Where’s the contract?

*    *    *

Senate minority bloc livid – ABS-CBN News

Be livid or not, but you guys in the ‘fluid minority’ blew it when you rocked the boat by trying to pit a less-than-willing Nene Pimentel against Manny Villar, the early ‘implied consensus’ bet for Senate President.

*    *    *

Bedol gets six-month jail term, P1,000 fine – ABS-CBN News

What an outrage! All the Garcis and Bedols of the world can now look forward to doing ‘special operations’ in 2007 . . . sure that they can mock Comelec rules and make so much at so little cost.

*     *    *

Telecom chief sacked; frequency for
controversial broadband deal seen as reason – Malaya

NTC boss Abraham Abesamis is a retired rear admiral who used to head the Armed Forces’ communications arm. His replacement, lawyer Ruel Canobas who's currently Political Affairs undersecretary in Malacañang, is obviously not a tech guy but is seen to be a better 'player' than Abesamis who was supposedly balking at backing the ZTE scandal-in-process.

*    *    *

More lapses surface on Basilan fighting – Malaya

Another outrage is how the word ‘lapses’ is now interchangeable with ‘stupidity’ . . . and nobody has been held responsible for the deaths of those 14 Marines almost a month ago.

*    *    *

Villar warns vs raising bus taxes – Manila Bulletin

Certainly not by 2600% that the BIR . . . with the concurrence of DoF sec Gary Teves . . . wants to levy on taxi, bus and jeepney operators.

*    *    *

Benilde starts probe of Orbeta – Manila Bulletin

The St. Benilde basketball player clearly has more brawn than brains . . . which is why he’s being probed for point-shaving.

*    *    *

Tourists can now extend stay
up to two years – Manila Times

Including those overstaying Chinese and Korean ‘tourists’ who have set up retail shops all over Divisoria?

*    *    *

HQ kicks Basilan buck downstairs – Malaya

But the Commander-in-Chief is not expected to kick out any of the star-rank officers who caused what is now being described as the AFP’s worst humiliation in recent memory.

*    *    *

BIR suspends transport tax hike – Manila Bulletin

Upon instructions from Pres. Arroyo, thank you.

*    *    *

Mayor Lim names Adel Tamano
to head the PLM – Manila Times

A coup for Mayor Lim, who . . . by nominating the articulate Harvard-educated young lawyer to the presidency of the city’s Pamantasan ng Lungsod Maynila . . . jumped the gun on efforts to draft the former GO spokesperson as chief legal adviser to the Blue Ribbon Committee.

*    *    *

Judge’s suspension over Golden Buddha
reopens old wounds – Philippine Daily Inquirer

It’s ironic that some people want Judge Fernando Pamintuan’s head to roll. He merely reaffirmed popular belief that the statue that has been in his Court’s custody for the past 36 years is a fake because the real one that Rogelio Roxas dug up had a detachable head.

 

 

Closure . . . with some sort of enclosure

Mike Arroyo must have been more than a little elated after his doctors allowed him to play golf over the weekend . . . for the first time since he underwent major surgery a few weeks back. But his demeanor must have rapidly changed after he got word that the new chair of the Committee on Accountability of Public Officers . . . better-known as the Blue Ribbon Committee . . . is Sen. Alan Peter Cayetano, his arch-nemesis.

Sen. Alan has already indicated that he intends to revisit the Jose Pidal case if only to effect some sort of closure . . . although it does not take rocket science to see that what he really wants to do is to put the FG inside some sort of enclosure. Somewhere in Muntinlupa.

 

 

Eye thank you*

In the prime of his career, a famous painter noticed that his eyesight was starting to fail. Fearful that he might lose his life as a painter, he went to see the best eye surgeon in Makati.

After several weeks of delicate surgery and therapy, the painter’s eyesight was restored. He was so overjoyed that he decided to show his gratitude by painting a mural in the reception area of the doctor's office.

The painting’s most prominent feature was a gigantic eye that almost occupied an entire wall. When the painter finished, he held a press conference to unveil his latest masterpiece: ‘The Doctor's Office’.

During the press conference, one reporter asked the doctor, "What was your first reaction upon seeing this work of art . . . especially that large eye on the wall?"

"I said to myself, 'Thank God I'm not a proctologist.'", the eye doctor responded.


*A heads&tales AnecJoke.     Other AnecJokes are here

Wednesday, August 15, 2007


Command irresponsibility

Bedol offers help to reform
polls – Philippine Daily Inquirer

That sounds like Dracula offering to manage the Red Cross blood bank.

*    *    *

Pacquiao breaks silence, denies
Ara Mina link – Philippine Daily Inquirer

If the champ loses in his October 6th rematch with Mexican boxer Marco Antonio Barrera, he can only blame himself for lowering the center of his decision-making process . . . below his belt.

*    *    *

Cotabato mayor: Bedol is innocent, blame
his Comelec bosses – Philippine Daily Inquirer

Mayor Muslimin Sema . . . a former rebel commander and formerly secretary general of the Moro National Liberation Front . . . is in effect saying: “Don’t kill the messenger. Sack his bosses!”

*    *   *

Arroyo son files bill amending
EPIRA – Philippine Daily Inquirer

Cong. Mikey’s bill includes a provision requiring all power rate hike petitions to undergo public hearings . . . and it looks like this young man is on the way to getting the Arroyo family name remembered in a positive light.

*    *    *

DND: Only Abu surrender will halt drive – Malaya

The only problem: It’s wishful thinking to expect the Abu Sayyaf . . . especially the fierce-fighting Tausogs among them . . . to surrender.

*    *    *

Schools question Neri qualifications – Manila Bulletin

It seems Malacañang . . . in appointing the former NEDA boss to head the Commission on Higher Education . . . was unaware that Neri does not have a doctoral degree, as required by R.A. 7722 which created CHED.

*    *    *

Customs drags feet over smuggled
luxury vehicles – Manila Standard Today

In response to a direct order from Pres. Arroyo to destroy unclaimed smuggled vehicles, Customs boss Napoleon Morales has strangely become an instant environmental advocate and sez, “If we burn the cars, it is against the law because we have the Clean Air Act. If we throw them into the ocean, it is also against the environment.”

*    *    *

Muslim region adopts state
entrepreneurship program – BusinessWorld

Simply put, the DOST-conceived youth-targeted program “seeks to encourage them to be employers rather than employees”.

What better way to reduce unemployment . . . by showing young Pinoys that there’s a better alternative in getting a higher education than just to try and get a job?

*    *    *

Court to hear Trillanes’ motion to be
allowed to attend Senate sessions – Malaya

Makati RTC judge Oscar Pimentel just doesn’t seem to get it: Sen. Antonio Trillanes IV is still in the process of being tried for the crime of coup d’etat. On the other hand, Zamboanga del Norte Rep. Romeo Jalosjos was already convicted (of rape) when he was barred from attending Congress sessions.

*    *    *

RP’s fastest man breaks right leg – Manila Bulletin

Ralph Waldy Soguilon . . . who holds the national records in the 100-meter and 200-meter dash . . . is not expected to break anything anymore anytime soon.

 

 

Command irresponsibility

Despite a humongous annual budget that includes billions in intelligence funds, the military has been unbelievably clueless lately as far as confronting the enemy is concerned.

One glaring proof of this is its bungling of ‘pursuit operations’ against the kidnappers of Fr. Giancarlo Bossi who, thank God, is now safely back in his home country of Italy after 39 days in captivity in the hinterlands of Mindanao.

It is now known that Fr. Bossi was merely brought by his abductors to Karomatan in Lanao from Payao in Zamboanga Sibugay but in the absence of better intel at the time, military brass deployed pursuing troops in Basilan instead . . . that ran smack into an ambush which resulted in the heinous beheading and mutilation of 10 of their 14 fatalities a month ago.

And the casualty count continues to rise. Last Thursday in Sulu, 11 soldiers from the 33rd Infantry Battalion were killed after suspected Abu Sayyaf elements waylaid their truck on the way to Maimbung town to buy provisions. (One wonders why the battalion commander did not have better sense than sending a solitary truck through perceived enemy territory without proper security backup. In fact, later that day, 15 more soldiers from the same Army unit were killed after a fierce firefight with what was reported as a sizable number of unidentified bandits in the same town.)

So who’s being held responsible for these multiple fiascos? Certainly not even Army chief Lt. Gen. Romeo Tolentino who’s on the ground in Sulu but is set to retire in about a week.

 

 

The unusual suspects*

During a lull at their 50th high school reunion, 3 elderly women who were sitting side by side began reminiscing.

With a smile on her face, the first woman recalled going to the public market when they were teenagers and demonstrated . . . with her hands . . . the length and thickness of cucumbers that she used to buy for less than 10 centavos each.

The second woman nodded, adding that tomatoes used to be much bigger and cheaper and proceeded to demonstrate . . . also with her hands . . . the size of two big tomatoes that she usually got for only 5 centavos.

The third old woman chimed in and said, "I can't hear a word you're saying, but I think I know the 2 guys you're talking about."


*A heads&tales AnecJoke.     Other AnecJokes are here

Wednesday, August 22, 2007


Silent partners make loud noises

Marcoses detail claims to Lucio Tan firms – BusinessWorld

The devil is in the details . . . and Lucio is turning out to be no angel.

*    *    *

Philippines militants turn to YouTube – Manila Times

Nope, they’re not quite as entertaining as those Cebu dancing jailbirds.

*    *    *

Lacson has Doble, seeks
reopening of 'Garci' case
– ABS-CBN News

Something that Blue Ribbon chair Alan Cayetano would need absolutely no persuasion to calendar as a top priority item.

*    *    *

PASG clears Arroyos on
smuggling ‘links’ sans probe – Daily Tribune

PASG boss Antonio Villar clearly believes in at least one fairy tale . . . that none of the Arroyos are backers of the big fish among smugglers of luxury vehicles and diesel fuel.

*    *    *

Peso weakens despite stock rebound – BusinessWorld

At P46.90 to $1, that has to be good news to OFWs and their relatives back home.

*    *    *

Pangilinan blocks Escudero’s seat in JBC – Daily Tribune

Only because Mr. Sharon Cuneta wants to keep his Judicial and Bar Council seat.

*    *    *

US building military base in Mindanao – Daily Tribune

If this is true, wait till a blogger posts actual Google Earth photos.

*    *    *

GMA orders ‘humanitarian
offensive’ in Basilan, Sulu – Manila Times

That’s still offensive to thousands of displaced families.

*    *    *

Cory forgives Ninoy’s killers
but still awaits the truth – Philippine Star

But even a former president may have to wait in line for the truth . . . behind the mother of Joe Burgos’ missing son.

*    *    *

POEA allows online recruitment – Philippine Star

Expect a spike in the number of fake recruiters . . . now that those unsavory characters don’t even have to be on the ground in the Philippines in order to victimize prospective OFWs.

*    *    *

Teves tells Morales: Get Customs
crooks – Manila Standard Today

What Teves should tell Morales: Unmask the godfathers of those Customs crooks.

*    *    *

GMA eyes $7b more from sale of
state assets – Manila Standard Today

Just do the math: Just 20% in kickbacks . . . instead of the usual 40% . . . would be $1.7b.

*    *    *

‘I heard Arroyo, Garci talk,’ says
ex-sergeant – Philippine Daily Inquirer

Hello, Garci? You can do a Bedol . . . make yourself very very scarce . . . but count on Ping and Alan to eventually collar you.

 

 

Silent partners make loud noises

Ferdinand ‘Bongbong’ Marcos, Jr. finally got to testify yesterday before the Sandiganbayan . . . albeit without enough of a legal leg to stand on . . . in his quest to prove that his old man, the real Macoy, was the silent partner of Lucio Tan in 9 of the billionaire’s 11 major enterprises.

As expected, Lucio’s chief legal brain . . . ex-SolGen and former Justice sec Estelito Mendoza . . . blocked Cong, Bongbong from going any further by arguing successfully that the documents that were being presented as evidence by Macoy’s son were inadmissible in court because these were merely photocopies.

It’s a shame that the younger Marcos does not have better lawyers than the PCGG-provided counsel who should have known that in the absence of the original documents that were seized by American authorities after the family was whisked away to Hawaii . . . not to Paoay as Macoy may have been misled to believe . . . they should have brought properly certified copies.

But not to worry. Wait for Imee Marcos to make some noises of her own. However, for the aging Lola Imelda’s sake, the present generation of Lucio’s supposedly silent partners should be much better prepared for the succeeding rounds.

 

Surprise endings*

A parish priest and a jeepney driver both died on the same day and found themselves in front of St. Peter at Heaven's gate.

Come with me, both of you.”, St. Peter beaconed.

They did as they were instructed and followed St. Peter to a penthouse condo. The luxurious mansion had a magnificent view of what looked similar to Manila Bay and had anything you could imagine . . . including 8 full-time servants. “This will be your permanent residence from now on”, St. Peter told the jeepney driver.

'Wow, thank you', said the jeepney driver who was clearly surprised.

Next, St. Peter led the priest downstairs all the way to a small room in the basement with a rattan ‘papag’ for a bed and a little old television set.

“Wait, St. Peter, I think there's a little mix up”, the priest protested. “I’m surprised and really disappointed that I should end up in this tiny room. This does not even have a window! Shouldn't I be the one who should live in the mansion that you gave to the jeepney driver? After all, I was a priest. I said Mass every day for the past 38 years and preached God's word . . . by The Book.” 

Yes, that's true.”, St. Peter agreed. “But during your sermons, so many of your parishioners fell asleep. On the other hand, whenever he drove his jeepney, all of his passengers prayed!”


*A heads&tales AnecJoke.     Other AnecJokes are here

Wednesday, August 29, 2007


Dutch threat

Capiz lawmaker seeks to set
absentee record straight – Philippine Star

But first, Rep. Fred Castro should also point out that he was elected with no help from ‘flying voters’ in Capiz.

*    *    *

Hello again, Garci – Philippine Star

“Yung dagdag” likely to be dug up . . . again.

*    *    *

Transferred Cabinet man faces graft raps – Philippine Star

My guess: The ex-Cabinet member’s name has 2 syllables and I suspect he’s under extreme pressure not to spill the beans on one of the personalities that are backing the ZTE broadband deal . . . from whom he supposedly rejected a P250 million bribe offer.

*    *    *

69% pass nursing exam retake – Manila Times

Many are already doctors . . . who want to be nurses in order to work abroad.

*    *    *

Extensive debate on cheap
meds bill pushed – Philippine Star

One cure for extensive debates: Remove TV coverage.

*    *    *

Government to spend P700 M
on tech-voc scholarships – Philippine Star

Smart initiative on the part of CHED and TESDA to fund scholarships in vocational and technical courses . . . for young Pinoys to have better chances at self-employment.

*    *    *

Chinese loan hit; raps readied
vs DOTC, ZTE execs – Philippine Star

“This loan facility is a clear manifestation of China’s commitment to help us.”, according to Finance sec Peter Favila . . . speaking about the $1.8b loan that the government quietly inked with China’s Import-Export Bank last Saturday.

But some DOTC top officials are just out to help themselves to the money, according to one opposition congressman.

*    *    *

RP now imports copra – Manila Times

The sad part: Imported copra now costs less than what’s produced locally.

*    *    *

‘P5b not enough to modernize the military’ – Manila Times

In the meantime, however, it should be enough for ‘conversion’ . . . to line the pockets of the upper echelons of the military hierarchy.

*    *    *

5 senators block reopening
of ‘Hello, Garci’ probe – Philippine Star

Pro-administration senators Joker Arroyo, Miriam Defensor-Santiago, Richard Gordon, Juan Ponce Enrile and Edgardo Angara are trying their darndest to preclude a worst case scenario: ‘Hello, Garci and goodbye, Gloria’.

 

 

Dutch threat

Utrecht is known as a nice university town in the Netherlands that has drawn all manner of intellectuals and so-called political exiles but my fond memories of the place are centered over a week way back in the early 80s when I was among a group of furniture and handicraft manufacturers/exporters from several developing countries that exhibited our wares at a trade show there at the invitation of the Dutch government.

From what I can recall, Utrecht also had an interesting hodgepodge of quaint little restaurants that would satisfy just about any international visitor; oddly enough, that’s where I had the best Peking Duck I’ve ever tasted . . . and I’ve dined at some of the better places in Macau and Hong Kong.

Small wonder then that until his arrest by Dutch authorities last Friday morning, Jose Ma. Sison had made Utrecht his home base for the past 20 years as the exiled leader of the Communist Party of the Philippines (CPP).

Joma Sison’s apprehension . . . on allegations that he ordered the executions of 2 leaders of a breakaway faction of the NPA, the armed wing of the CPP . . . should be no cause for real jubilation at the Palace and among AFP top brass, however. Under Dutch laws, he can only be detained for a maximum 105 days on the current charges and could remain a real threat to President Gloria Arroyo’s efforts towards forging a lasting peace pact with leftist elements in the countryside.

 

 

Location, location*

Aling Rosa was a 93 year old woman who was particularly despondent over the recent death of her husband Mang Carding. She decided that she would just kill herself and join him in death.

Thinking that it would be best to get it over with quickly, she took out Mang Carding’s old Army pistol and made a decision to shoot herself in the heart since it was already so badly broken in the first place. Not wanting to miss the vital organ and become a vegetable and burden her relatives, she called her doctor to inquire as to just exactly where the heart would be.

The doctor said, "Your heart would be just below your left breast."

So Aling Rosa sat down and made a mental note of that exact location below her left breast.

Later that night, Aling Rosa was rushed to the provincial hospital with a gunshot wound . . . just above her left knee.


*A heads&tales AnecJoke.     Other AnecJokes are here

Wednesday, September 5, 2007


Hurrah for Abalos?

Abalos laments DOTC head’s silence – GMA News

Doesn’t Abalos understand that silence is ‘golden’?

*    *    *

Reyes tasked to lead Presidential
Task Force on Climate Change – Philippine Star

Trust the brand-new Energy sec . . . who’s proven to be a quick learner . . . not to be left out in the cold.

*     *     *

2 in Cabinet called to ZTE
grilling – Manila Standard Today

It would only be a job ‘well done’ if the Senate probers grill Chairman Abalos as well.

*    *    *

Senate summons ‘Garci’ for probe – ABS-CBN News

The Senate could be confronted with a ‘404’ (not found) or EO 464 (Nope, GMA won’t let him show up.)

*    *    *

NFA acts to stabilize rice
supply, price – Philippine Star

Sure, sure, why should a certain COMELEC official have all the fun with multi-million kickbacks . . . in US dollars.

*    *    *

Destileria Limtuaco to sell
products to Canada – Philippine Star

Which proves that Philippine-made whiskey . . . aside from San Miguel Beer . . . can compete in the global marketplace.

*    *    *

Poverty decreasing, new UN
report says – Manila Standard Today

Oh? Perhaps only among most politicians and top public officials.

*    *    *

Taiwan lifts import ban on
RP crabs and lobsters – Philippine Star

Just as I had suspected all along . . . the Taiwanese do have a certain kind of crab mentality.

*    *    *

Think tank wants to add one
year to high school – Manila Standard Today

Think again, you guys at the Congressional Planning and Budget Department.

This government has not allocated enough money to build sufficient public school classrooms. Do you really think around 10% more school buildings would be doable?

*    *    *

Prelate to Erap fans: Accept
verdict – Manila Standard Today

Instead of saying “Oops!” . . . since he should realize by now that the successor of the man he helped topple is perceived to be grossly more corrupt . . . Gaudencio Cardinal Rosales is effectively making the case for the separation of Church and State.


 

Hurrah for Abalos?

If we are to believe recent front page stories and what’s currently buzzing in the grapevine, COMELEC Chair Benjamin Abalos must really think that he can get away with anything and everything under the present administration.

To be sure, Abalos knows that the Palace cannot fire him . . . ostensively because his tenure ends early next year anyway. And the impeachment rap that former congressman and currently Iloilo vice-governor Rolex Suplico is poised to file on Monday is not expected to prosper . . . for the very same reason.

But what’s catches one’s attention about Abalos’ supposed leading role in crafting what Sen. Ping is calling the ‘great-grandmother’ of all overpriced government deals is the way he tried to ‘neutralize’ another company that submitted a lower bid for the broadband contract that was eventually ‘won’ by ZTE, a Chinese supplier that supposedly subsequently agreed to bloat the price in order to accommodate what some quarters insist are kickbacks in excess of 200%.

That company is headed by Joey de Venecia, son of Speaker JdV, who was reportedly offered US$10 million by Abalos to step aside so the retiring COMELEC boss can have . . . in his own words . . . ‘My last hurrah’.


 

That’s life*

The proceedings at a Regional Trial Court in Central Luzon started quite late because the judge said he had a flat tire. The prosecuting attorney then called on the first witness . . . an old man who was in a very bad mood because he had already missed another important appointment.

After the witness was sworn in, he asked the old man, “Mr. Dimaculangan, do you know me?

“Do I know you? My gad, I knew you since you were in short pants and you may not remember this but my wife caught you stealing some papayas and mangoes from our backyard at least 3 times! I know that you were expelled from the public high school for cheating so I was surprised to hear later on that you had graduated from San Beda with a degree in law and had actually passed the bar exams . . . but only after flunking 3 times! And by the way, what made you change your mind about getting that sex-change operation that your ex-girlfriend told me about?

Stunned into temporary silence, the lawyer finally regained his composure and blurted out, “Sir, do you know the defense attorney?”

Still in a foul mood, the witness said, “How can I not know him since he brags all the time that he’s a very wealthy man because he’s the best lawyer in town. But did you know that when he was a still a congressman he was charged with extorting millions from political appointees who came before the Commission on Appointments of which he was a senior member? And unlike you, he’s very much married . . . I’m not sure how he managed to do it but right now he has 4 wives living all around this province!

Making it appear as if he was trying to diffuse the tension in his courtroom, the judge instructed both attorneys to approach the bench. In a very low voice but a clearly stern manner, he said, “If either of you asks this witness if he knows me, I’ll send you to Muntinlupa . . . for life!”


*A heads&tales AnecJoke.     Other AnecJokes are here

Wednesday, September 12, 2007


Between Erap and a hard place

Estrada assassination plot bared – Daily Tribune

If military intelligence is right on this, this plot would be absolutely wrong and stupid.

*    *    *

President cancels provincial sorties – Philippine Daily Inquirer

On this, Erap’s judgment day, GMA will stay put at the Palace . . . where her continued stay might just be abruptly ‘cancelled’.

*    *    *

Palace hangs Abalos out to dry
over ZTE contract – Philippine Daily Inquirer

Understandably . . . because by his own statements and denials, Abalos is making the administration look all wet.

*    *    *

Arroyo won’t allow Favila at House
question hour on NBN deal – Philippine Daily Inquirer

And now the question is . . . What is Pres. Arroyo trying to hide?

*    *    *

Eight firms investing P17.1B in biofuels – BusinessWorld

Those biofuel proponents intend to develop some 467,000 hectares of land in various parts of the country into jatropha plantations . . . backed by a set of smart government incentives.

*    *    *

Blue Ribbon asked to summon Abalos – Malaya

It could be interesting how Abalos would justify at least 4 trips to China . . . even at the expense of ZTE . . . during the few months prior to the last mid-term elections.

*    *    *

Erap ‘100 percent’ confident of acquittal – Philippine Star

That’s in the face of about a 0% chance that the Sandiganbayan’s verdict would go his way.

*     *    *

De Venecia says Abalos got
$130M from NBN deal – ABS-CBN News

Looks like Abalos would have had plenty of big bucks left over even if Joey de Venecia had accepted that alleged $10M bribe offer.

*    *    *

ABS-CBN welcomes probe on 'Wowowee' – ABS-CBN News

‘Welcomes’? Witaminit, who’s writing those ABS-CBN press statements these days . . . Toting Bunye, too?

*    *    *

Plan to commercialize UST Hospital
stopped; officials quit – BusinessWorld

It’s sad that the Dominican order’s top-echelon decision makers in Rome would still insist that funding for new buildings and hospital equipment must be sourced only through donations and grants . . . nixing the necessity of commercial loans in the real world.

*    *    *

Saudi firm to invest P2.7 billion in
ARMM agribusiness venture – BusinessWorld

Wonderful news for jobless farm workers in Bumbaran and Wa-o . . . both in Lanao del Sur . . . where the Saudis have committed $30M each to develop banana and pineapple plantations.

*    *    *

Spanish companies bullish on
Philippine prospects – BusinessWorld

Considering the grossly lopsided trade imbalance between the Philippines and Spain, it would be nice if . . . like the Saudis . . . the Spaniards would put their dinero where their boca is. Then, perhaps, my idol Joe (Rizal) can stop turning in his grave!

 

 

Between Erap and a hard place

As this piece was being put to bed, the Sandiganbayan was getting ready to announce its verdict on the plunder charge against former president Joseph ‘Erap’ Estrada.

Although Erap has pronounced himself “already acquitted by the Filipino people” the other day, we are of the opinion that he will be found guilty. And it does not take rocket science to see why all the signs are pointing in that direction.

The first telltale sign came in the form of prominent ads in major Manila broadsheets two or three weeks ago that sounded like an ill-concealed Palace initiative to get the people to accept a guilty scenario. This was followed by a press statement from DILG sec Ronaldo Puno that Erap would be allowed to remain at his Tanay retreat “in case he is found guilty” . . . instead of being convoyed directly to much less comfortable quarters in Muntinlupa. Then there was that Palace press release last week that said Pres. Arroyo could pardon the ex-president, just in case . . . a trial balloon that was promptly shot down by the Estrada camp. And we fast forward to judgment day, today, with the Palace reportedly in virtual lockdown, ringed by layers of police forces while a formidable armored military contingent is on standby at Camp Aguinaldo.

Why all of these preemptions and precautions? Did the Palace get a heads up from Sandiganbayan a while back on what would be its verdict?

On the contrary, we should venture to say that it was the other way around. Pres. Arroyo must have made it known to the Sandiganbayan in no uncertain terms that she would not settle for less than a thumbs-down from the majority of its members.

For somebody who has found herself between a rock and a hard place, it’s not as if Pres. Arroyo had much of a choice; a ‘not guilty’ decision would officially affirm allegations that her assumption to the presidency was illegitimate, to say the least.


 

Big bang theory*

As a 90-year-old man entered his doctor’s office, he bragged, "I've never felt better in my life. I have a brand-new 18-year old bride who is pregnant with my child. What do you think about that?!"

The doctor thought about his question for a few moments and then said, "I have a friend in South Cotabato who likes to go hunting and is about the same age as you. One day, as he was going out in a bit of a hurry, he absent-mindedly picked up his large umbrella instead of his rifle. When he got to the forested area near his banana plantation, he saw a wild pig beside a creek. He raised his umbrella and went, “BANG!” and the wild pig dropped dead on the spot. What do you think of that?"

The 90-year-old said, "I'd say somebody else shot that wild pig."

The doctor replied, "My point exactly."


*A heads&tales AnecJoke.     Other AnecJokes are here

Wednesday, September 19, 2007


Mystery man is ‘Mister ni Ma’am’

Lomibao Marrying Kidnap Victim – Newsbreak

Nothing wrong with an ex-cop marrying a ‘liberated’ woman, is there?

*    *     *

JDV son: Mike Arroyo told me to
‘back off’ from NBN project – GMA TV News

Perhaps Mike Arroyo can explain: “I was merely rehearsing
for a role in the Pinoy version of The Godfather.”

*     *     *

No clash since start of Ramadan – Manila Bulletin

No surprise there. Muslims are expected to fast all day during Ramadan . . . and one cannot wage battles on an empty stomach.

*    *    *

Aerial photography eyed to solve
squatting menace – Manila Standard Today

Pictures don’t lie. That said, aerial photos . . . which might be more cost-effective as compared to satellite photography . . . should also be looked into as a solution for illegal logging.

*    *    *

Favila on ZTE deal: Go ask DOTC chief, not me – Philippine Star

‘Don’t look at me!’ has become a favorite phrase of Abalos, Mendoza, et. al..

*    *    *

ZTE contract should be shelved, says Villar – Manila Bulletin

And all Philippine officials behind it should be canned.

*    *    *

Nograles Eyes Justice Dep’t – Newsbreak

Purely a fallback position . . . since he could not see eye to eye with Duterte about becoming the next mayor of Davao City.

*    *    *

Respect military secrecy rules, GMA
tells Senate ‘Garci probers – Daily Tribune

Sure, sure . . . and the biggest military secret involves top generals who allegedly orchestrated massive cheating in Mindanao that got GMA ‘elected’.

*    *    *

Lapus : Row over ZTE, CyberEd projects
to affect China ventures in RP – Daily Tribune

DepEd Sec Jesli Lapus is defying common sense . . . and placing himself in the same negative limelight as Ben Abalos.

*    *    *

GMA reiterates directive to stop rebel extortion – Malaya

Until the military can actually stop the rebels dead in their tracks, GMA should just issue ‘suggestions’ . . . not directives.

*    *    *

Senate opens NBN probe – Manila Bulletin

Hard to believe that this broadsheet has actually survived post-Menzi with dimwits writing its headlines like this.


 

Mystery man is ‘Mister ni Ma’am’

Jose de Venecia III, the Speaker’s son, certainly crafted his words carefully for his opening remarks at his much-anticipated appearance before a Senate panel Tuesday and when he intoned, “I have previously mentioned to reveal the identity of the mystery man under oath and in the proper forum. It is with a heavy heart that I cannot deny that it was First Gentleman Mike Arroyo at the reconciliatory meeting”, one can imagine millions of better-informed Pinoys telling each other, “I told you so!”

As just about everybody would know by now, it was at that Wack Wack meeting where Joey de Venecia said the FG pointed a finger at his face and told him . . . in a manner that was not much different from a glowering Mafioso’s . . . to “Back off!” from the national broadband network project.

It’s intriguing why Mike Arroyo . . . who’s supposed to be recuperating from major surgery . . . flew to Hong Kong the day prior to the younger de Venecia’s scheduled Senate testimony . . . with some wags speculating that the former British colony is just a stopover for other points unknown.

In the meantime, Pres. Arroyo is calling the Senate probe into the increasingly stinking NBN deal ‘a vaudeville act’. So let’s wait for the personal appearance of a bigger . . . okay, he should be tagged extra-extra large . . . attraction when he returns from abroad.


 

Sorry, line is not busy*

Edong, a recent bar topnotcher, could have accepted a position at one of the top law firms in Makati but decided to practice his profession in Taguig where he grew up . . . mainly because he felt that he could be big man in that suburban area. He really wanted to impress everyone but when he opened his new law office, business was very slow at first.

One day, he saw a man coming up on the sidewalk and decided to make a big impression on this new prospective client. As the man came to the door, Edong picked up the phone.

He motioned the man in, all the while talking. "No! Absolutely not! You tell those jerks in Cebu that I won't settle this case for less than two million pesos. Yes, the Court of Appeals has agreed to hear that case next month. I'll be handling the primary argument and the other members of my team will provide support. Okay, tell the fiscal that I'll meet with him next week to discuss the details. "

This sort of thing went on for almost five minutes. All the while the man sat patiently as Edong rattled off instructions. Finally, Edong put down the phone and turned to the man. "I'm sorry to keep you waiting but, as you can see, my clients all over the provinces are keeping me very busy. Now, what can I do to help you?"

The man replied, "Sir, I am from PLDT and I am here to connect your line. Sorry, I am not in uniform because a waitress accidentally spilled palabok on my shirt.

*A heads&tales AnecJoke.    

Wednesday, September 26, 2007


Draw your own concussions

Neri: Abalos offered me '200' – ABS-CBN News

Abalos must have meant ‘200M’ . . . unless he meant to insult Neri with a P200,000 bribe offer for a $329 million project.

*    *    *

Abalos denies Neri's bribery
claim, calls him 'a liar' – Philippine Star

Abalos’ problem is he’s perceived as the more likely liar.

*    *    *

RP 2nd fastest-growing
broadband market – BusinessWorld

And Ben Abalos is RP’s fastest opportunist . . . beating Speaker JdV who is generally known to have brokered some China-originated mega-deals, like the North Rail project.

*    *    *

Palace flip-flops on Neri ‘exile’ to US – Malaya

PGMA deserves credit for finally deciding not to ‘hijack’ the former NEDA boss and take him to New York. It would not have looked good to the international press that’s covering this week’s speeches by heads of state at the UN.

*    *    *

SC to look into P10-M ‘bribe’
to magistrate – Philippine Daily Inquirer

Associate Justice Consuelo Ynares-Santiago denies the allegation but she would have to come up with a plausible explanation why a gift box containing P10M was delivered to her office.

*    *    *

Bunye says Gloria regrets
suspension of 2 projects – Malaya

Somebody who’s twice her size must be regretting it even more.

*    *    *

Ex-Isafp chief retires, is no
longer covered by EO 464 – Malaya

Former Vice Adm. Tirso Danga, ex-chief of the Intelligence Service of the AFP can now be summoned to testify in Congress . . . unless he suddenly becomes Ambassador Danga or something.

*     *    *

Abalos: Telling the truth
needs no preparation – Malaya

True. It’s outright lying that requires practice . . . and a poker face.

*    *    *

Puno: Estrada could get to keep
P1B of ill-gotten assets – Manila Times

And the next ex-president could get to keep how much?

*    *    *

JDV: President knew
Abalos involved in deal – Manila Times

Which is why there’s a new meaning for ‘win-win situation’.

Abalos made it possible for the President to ‘win’ in 2004. Now Abalos seems to think that it’s his turn to win . . . big time!

 

 

Draw your own concussions

It should be clear by this time that the key players in what is developing to be the biggest scandal in the country’s history can be narrowed down to Mr. Big, Mr. Small, and Mr. Medium . . . with Mr. Small appearing to be right smack in the epicenter of it all.

However, instead of making a credible effort to punish the wrongdoers . . . by, at the very least, knocking their heads together, while at the same time deciding to cancel the National Broadband Network project altogether . . . Pres. Arroyo has issued a statement belying bribery and overpricing allegations by whistleblower Jose de Venecia III as ‘uncorroborated’.

That does sound like a cover-up but why would PGMA have a compelling reason to absolve Mr. Big, Mr. Small and Mr. Medium?

And who are Mr. Big, Mr. Small, Mr. Medium? They are supposedly the top three intended recipients of some 200 million dollars in kickbacks from the $329 million NBN deal . . . with ‘partial payments’ allegedly already handed over through Mr. Small.

If you have not been hiding in a cave in the past couple of weeks . . . and before an irate public actually does some actual head-bashing . . . it should be easy to draw your own conclusions.

 

 

Old and older

Mr. Batungbakal decided to have a face-lift as his birthday to himself. He spent P180,000 and three weeks after plastic surgery felt really good about the results. The following weekend, he went for a stroll and stopped at a sidewalk newsstand to buy a magazine.

Before leaving, he asked the sidewalk vendor , “How old do you think I am?"

"About 35," was the reply.

"I'm actually 47”, Mr. Batungbakal responded, feeling really pleased with himself.

After that, he went into a Chowking and asked one of the counter staff the same question to which she replied, "Ah, you look about 29".

"I am actually 47."

Later, while waiting for a bus, he asked an old woman the same question.

She replied, "I am 78 years old and my eyesight is failing but I have only recently figured out a sure way of telling a man's age. If you would do 8 push-ups and jog to that intersection where the traffic lights are and back here in less than 8 minutes, I can tell you exactly how old you are.

So Mr. Batungbakal did 8 push-ups and upon jogging back the 2 blocks from the traffic lights, the old woman told him, “Okay, you are 47 years old."

Totally amazed, Mr. Batungbakal had to ask her, “How did you do that? Did you analyze my jogging style? Did you observe how much I was trying to catch my breath by the time I got back here?"

"No . . . I was right behind you at Chowking while you were ordering halo-halo, the old woman replied . . . grinning



*A heads&tales AnecJoke.    

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